In the face of the celebration of the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women on 25th November, we look at the place of the woman as wife. Being a wife means that she is married to a man who is her husband. In the marriage institution, two people who love each other decide to come together as partners for life. They love, support, encourage, empower and protect each other. So, marriage is ideally entered by two consenting people who love each other and want the best for each other. However, only time usually tells if and how these two persons make good their marital vows.
This piece will focus on the woman and her place as wife and what that implies for her within today’s context and arising issues. The points, which are not all exhaustive, will in most cases be directly addressed to the woman, however, a male reader could find the information useful.
Before a lady gets married, she has her dreams, desires and expectations of her life. We will look at various aspects of her life as a wife and how best she can move on in the face of her diverse situations.
The Place of her Dreams – Dashed or Fulfilled?
Before marriage, a lady would usually have some idea of how she wants marriage to be for her and what kind of man she wants to marry. So, when she finally gets married and has now become a wife, one of her thoughts and question she faces with herself is if this is the kind of marriage she really wanted or not. She may ask herself, “Did I come anywhere near my dream marriage or this is different? Are my dreams being fulfilled or my dreams have been dashed?” She alone has her answers to these questions and more, based on the ideas she had for herself before marriage. For different persons, these questions come ringing at different times. For some it could be right after the wedding ceremonies, some – a few months down the first year and for some others, it could be some years later.
Now, in the face of her marriage dreams and expectations, here are some of the issues. The lady is responsible for the choice of spouse she makes. This pre-supposes that she entered this marriage relationship of her own freewill, though this may not be so in some cases. Also, the way the marriage turns out cannot be put on the woman alone. Both adults are equally responsible for how the marriage is taking shape or has taken shape. So, as a wife, do not put the entire blame on yourself. However, you can do your part to make things better.
Whatever the marriage situation, know that you are meant to be a happy woman, happy young lady and believe that you can still be that happy and fulfilled person you are meant to be. So, know what the issues are and get help to handle them as best as possible: what is that source of unhappiness or dissatisfaction? Identify it. Don’t keep silent about it. Reach out for help. Hold on to the things that give you joy and count your blessings.
The Place of Her Struggles and Challenges
As a wife, certain struggles and challenges will present themselves. Let this not discourage you. Your earlier life also had its struggles and challenges, and you survived it. These challenges could be few or numerous depending on your experience and your original expectations of the relationship. For instance, if you expected that your husband will give you lots of money each month to take care of yourself, this could be a source of challenge if you see that it is not happening. Or if you expected that he would have a good job, come home and spend quality time with you in the evenings, this could be a source of dissatisfaction if you do not see it happening.
Other challenges could be waiting for a child, expectations from in-laws, carrying out house chores even with pregnancy and taking care of kids, searching for livelihood to support the home, expectations from old friends, desire for further education while the means may not be available, looking for a job, or wanting to start a business. Some challenges could be around compatibility, character or personality differences between the couple. How well this is managed will determine if and how the marriage grows and is experienced by both individuals.
In all of this, know that you cannot spend your life trying to please everyone. You have your desires and others have their expectations. However, as a wife, know what you want for yourself and do what is within your power and ability to achieve the things you want.
In dealing with issues in your marriage, nagging does not help. It only makes you feel worse about yourself and about that situation. Rather, you can focus on the things that are going on well in your life as a wife. With this, the dissatisfaction will slowly loose its hold on you.
You cannot change your spouse overnight, but you can begin working on your own attitude, character, behavior, expectations and how you respond to people and situations. When you do this, the people and situations around you will begin to change as well.
The Place of Maturity and a Positive Life
It is easily assumed that once a lady is married, she has all the maturity she needs to be in a marriage relationship. This is not always the case. Part of the problem in many marriages stems from the level of maturity of the individuals involved. There is also the issue of low self-esteem, acting consistently from the place of ego and not having a strong sense of self before marriage.
We sometimes go into marriage with the belief that this other person will make up for what I lack or will make my life better in some ways. Then we become disappointed when we find that our struggles and challenges remain very personal to us even within a supposedly loving relationship.
To the young unmarried lady, let’s say this: build for yourself a strong sense of self-worth; grow your self-confidence; grow your self-esteem; know your strengths and weaknesses and capitalize on your strengths.
Before marriage and while in marriage, know exactly what you want for yourself in terms of your dreams, desires and goals you want to achieve in life. Don’t let this be ambiguous or leave it to your husband to decide for you. He can contribute to it but you first need to know exactly what you want for yourself that will bring you inner joy and fulfilment.
Furthermore, develop a positive outlook in every aspect of your life. Do not allow anyone take away your joy. Safeguard it. Focus on the positive things in your life that bring you joy. In the light of this, as a wife, be deliberate about creating a conducive and serene environment in your home for your marriage to thrive. This cannot be achieved by you alone but be sure to do your part.
The Place of Expectations from Third Parties
As a wife, expectations would come from various quarters. However, some of the expectations are even expectations that we as wives place on ourselves. We want to do things to look good in the eyes of others. These third parties could be in-laws, family friends, friends of your spouse, your own old friends, your own family, work colleagues, church community, authority figures within your church and family, associations and so on.
Keep in mind that your self-worth does not lie in pleasing others and keeping everyone happy. Train yourself to do good and serve others only because you really want and choose to do so. Not out of compulsion or just to please them. This is not sustainable, and you will only end up bitter and resentful. Rather if you serve because you choose to, you will be able to continue serving even when others do not reciprocate or even value your work. You will continue to serve because you are self-driven and motivated to serve and it gives satisfaction to serve selflessly.
As a wife, be yourself always. Avoid pretense as this does not serve you or anyone. Know that your strength and your worth come from within you. This is meant to serve you in your marriage relationship to be a positive influence and worthy home-maker.
(To be continued)
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DISCLAIMER
The OPINION / COLUMN is authored by independent contributors to the National Accord Newspaper. While contributors adhere to our editorial guidelines, they are not employed by the National Accord Newspaper. The perspectives and opinions expressed herein are solely those of the author and do not represent the views of the National Accord Newspaper or its staff.