“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older,
they will not leave it” (Proverb 22:6)
The life of a newborn child is like that of a new slate, an empty page, an open book, waiting to be written upon. As a parent, you have this beautiful opportunity to write on the first slate of someone’s life.
Parents and guardians indeed have a grave responsibility to monitor, guide, guard, direct, mentor, instruct and support their child/children/wards, particularly in the formative years between 0 and 18. Just like us, our children did not ask to be born. It was the choices you made as parents that brought them to be. Therefore, parents have the ultimate responsibility to care for their children/wards properly, keep them in a safe environment, be attentive to their growth process and provide for their basic needs of food, shelter and clothing.
The call here is to “Know your child”. It is easy to assume that I have been with my child and so I know my child. I must say, it is not just as simple as that. You can be with your child, see your child grow physically and still not know your child. We cannot take this for granted.
For example, some fathers who live like guests or visitors in their own homes really do not know their children. If in a home, all you do is eat, sleep, watch TV, listen to radio, press your phone, read newspaper, dress up and leave the house, how would you know your children? Parenting involves engagement. Yes, it does.
Parenting means Engaging
Do you really engage your kids? It is not just about shouting, giving instructions and making them feel uncomfortable in your presence, as your way of asserting yourself as an authority figure. There is a reason why majority of people ascribe their success or breakthroughs in life partly to the love, guidance and discipline impacted by their mothers. In our culture and way of life, mothers have no option but to fully engage their children daily and accompany them through the stages of their growth day-by-day, month-by-month, year-by-year. Many fathers, in many homes can do a lot more in this regard.
As a parent, father or mother, you have the privilege of growing with your child from the formative years where you get to mould him/her spiritually, emotionally, physically, academically, psychologically and socially. Being able to have a positive influence on a child in each of these areas of growth requires that as a parent, you are intentional about what you do, and how you engage with that child to create a positive impact in her character, behaviour and choices. Values must be intentionally impacted to the child. If you are growing with your child and live by the right values yourself, then you will know what values to teach her as she grows up.
Every one of these human aspects of life cannot be taken for granted as the child grows up. Do you know the child’s emotional tendencies in the face of various situations? How well is he doing academically? How does she behave at home and outside the home? What is the child’s understanding of God? What are her struggles and challenges, emotionally and spiritually? Is the child catching up with school homework, assignments and new topics? Are you there to walk with the child and accompany him as he navigates the world?
Are you even aware that this child needs clothes, shoes, panties, slippers, a new uniform, and all other basic needs for teenage girls, like sanitary pads? Many times, paying close attention to these areas and provision of these items have been solely left to their mother. A lot of women carry these responsibilities quietly and have taken it as their lot. Many fathers can do better in this regard.
Parenting means Programming
If you see every engagement with your child as programming, it will give you a new perspective and probably help you engage your child in a better way. Programming involves repetition of a process and that process goes on and on. Just like our own parents experienced with us, as a parent you find that you keep saying something to your kids repeatedly. Sometimes it gets you annoyed that they are intentionally disregarding your instructions. Sometimes you wonder why kids can be so stubborn and disobedient. It is the nature of their growth process. Don’t get tired and frustrated. Continue to lovingly correct the child, mentor and guide him.
Programming here refers to your verbal and non-verbal interactions with your children. Know that they are learning and picking up everything. If you see your parenting engagement as programming your child, you would be a little more intentional, systematic, and consistent about it. It may not always come out right there just as you wish it would, but be assured that your intentional and consistent effort to nurture, guide, direct, mentor and exemplify that which you see as best for the child is gradually programming the child for a great outcome.
Engaging the Child for Self-Knowledge
Kids are open-minded, simple and are still exploring the world. They are curious and have so much around them which they seek to understand and integrate within. How you tenderly engage with them and/or intervene in that process can program them to be creative, reflective, innovative, empathetic, and become persons who take initiative, can delay gratification and who are able to conduct themselves properly in the face of unfamiliar or unexpected situations.
How you engage in the process could also lead them towards dependency, excessive precautions and fears, not being able to take risks, fear of what others would say, looking at what they lack rather than what they have, emphasizing their weaknesses over their strengths, learning negative behaviors and reactions, have disregard for values, overly concerned about how they are perceived by others, or not conducting themselves in a disciplined way.
In the western world and in some families and schools that have become enlightened in this regard and have the resources, they take the time and effort to expose their children to diverse skill acquisition, talent shows, learning trips and excursions, team work, creative activities, learning games and simple community initiatives. As children get engaged in this way, both you and the child get to know and understand their interests, passion and inclinations. This is very important as many times it saves them years of, for example, doing things they do not love, just for the sake of making ends meet.
A child who gets to know his or her areas of strengths, passion and interests early in life and who gets the right exposure, mentoring and guidance is already on his or her way to a life of achievement and fulfilment and would very likely contribute greatly to society, in their own unique way.
Children can learn musical instruments, act dramas, play mind-engaging games like scrabble and monopoly, carry out house chores and cooking (which has a way of maturing a kid and instilling a sense of responsibility towards others), play outdoor games, and other ways of using their time well that builds them. All these become a programmed process and way of life in the mind of the child. They are learning, comprehending, assimilating, growing and forming patterns in their young minds which they will hold on to and build upon as adults, consciously and unconsciously.
As children engage with different activities and learning, you begin to know their areas of strength. With this, you can then help them build upon what they discover as their passion, strengths and areas of interest.
Together We Can… Know Our Kids Better
So what YOU DO… as a Parent Matters!
DISCLAIMER
The OPINION / COLUMN is authored by independent contributors to the National Accord Newspaper. While contributors adhere to our editorial guidelines, they are not employed by the National Accord Newspaper. The perspectives and opinions expressed herein are solely those of the author and do not represent the views of the National Accord Newspaper or its staff.