“Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction” (Unknown)
Still in line with the first part of this article, this piece will focus on the woman as a wife and how best she can deal with some of life’s issues, live serenely, love herself more and live comfortably within her own skin as a wife. We will look at how she can move forward in her relations with her spouse, on the issue of submission, domestic violence and the place of spousal love.
The Place of Keeping Good Relations with Spouse
Ordinarily, your spouse is supposed to be your best friend, your lover, your confidant, your soulmate, your ultimate life partner, co-sojourner, team-mate and someone who joins you in the kitchen. Interestingly, if you just frowned at that last part, you are likely a husband who does not agree with that or a wife who wonders how the man will look like in the kitchen. Usually, a couple enters a marriage relationship with good intentions and lofty dreams to be the best to each other. Only time tells if both partners make good their promise to keep the relationship loving, cordial and supportive of each other. However, you can only do your part.
“Win the heart of your wife by helping her in kitchen so that she will surrender to you in response (Unknown). This is because: “Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash” (Joyce Brothers).
My experience so far is that as you endeavor to do your part, your spouse begins to learn and grow too. Just as you are patient with yourself in your learning and growth, you will need to be patient with others too on their own journey because they are very likely not going to be where you think they should be, do things just in the way you would want them done.
Some Ways You Can Keep the Good Relations with Your Spouse
You know those tips already, but let’s just add this couple of points:
Firstly, see your spouse as a human being with strengths, weaknesses, needs, likes, dislikes, dreams and desires, just like you. So, do unto your spouse what you would like done unto you. This old counsel is so simple but effective.
Secondly, practice “Live-in-the-moment” with your spouse. Just pick a moment and truly be with your spouse with your full attention. In that moment, forget what he is or is not. Just take him as a part of yourself that you want to be happy with. Relate from this stance and see how it works. This can be liberating because it helps you drop old stuff and just live in the moment – in bliss.
The Place of Submission as a Wife
Our patriarchal culture has taught us that a woman must be submissive to her husband. And so does the bible say, that the woman must be submissive to her husband. Yet, it is important that you keep this in mind, that this submission does not mean you forget you are just as human as your husband. Nobody is more human than the other. We all have equal basic rights such as right to life, to food, shelter, to clothing. Right to freedom of expression, right to dignity, and right to participate in political, social and economic life.
Yet again, rights go with responsibility and this responsibility is lived within the context of your marriage relationship. But, whatever your beliefs and practice of submission, do remember that marriage does not take away your ‘individual-ness’ from you. You are still a human being with dreams, goals and ideas you want to achieve in life. If your experience of marriage takes away from you your ability to follow and fulfil your own inner calling and vocation in life, then there is a misplacement.
However, you are also in a marriage relationship because you are supposedly with someone who loves you and who would support you to achieve any height that you want. This may or may not be the case. Nonetheless, you owe yourself self-fulfillment, inner peace and a serene life. This cannot be achieved by enslaving yourself to another human being. Rather, it can be achieved by following your inner calling and offering loving service to humanity. No form of submission is meant to take this from you. Please note that I have not said you should not be submissive to your husband.
Be submissive to your husband in a way that you still:
- Know your rights and responsibilities both as a wife in your marriage and as a citizen of your country.
- Know what you want for yourself and be in touch with your dreams.
- Give yourself a voice about the things you really want for your own life. Don’t let this be drowned out.
- Know your strengths and weaknesses and follow your inner calling which help you capitalize on your strengths.
- Ensure that the choices you make do not bring stress, unnecessary pressures, and heavy expectation on yourself such that your place as a wife becomes a burden to you.
- Avoid situations where another person makes choices for you and you only follow slavishly. This will only make you angry and resentful over time. So, you either own that decision too or you stand up for what you really want.
The Place of Domestic Violence
Unfortunately, domestic violence exists in some homes. No woman wants to be in a marriage relationship in which she suffers domestic violence. Neither should any wife be in a position of meting out violence to her husband or any member of her household. Some women have held on to their marriages to the detriment of their own sanity. They suffer various shades and forms of violence but do not want to divorce because of children or religious beliefs. If you live with a higher animal who beats you every day, will you say you are staying around such a person to protect your marriage? Do remember that marriage ends at death. If a woman loses her life through domestic violence, she has gained nothing. The marriage she wanted to safeguard is gone at that point. Hence, a wife or husband who suffers domestic violence must speak up and not continue to endure the humiliation and indignity of violent acts.
“What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion. Surely when you love your wife with all your heart, you cannot demean her, criticize her, find fault with her, or abuse her by words, sullen behavior, or actions.” – Ezra Taft Benson
So, moving forward:
- Speak out when you experience domestic violence. Get help. Don’t remain silent. Talk to someone who can help.
- Trust your instincts, your guts and your inner guidance for your life. Our inner spirit always warns us of things that could harm us. So, if we are attentive, we will hear that voice of counsel and guidance.
- Do not remain within the circle of violence and allow your life to be miserable. Always remember that you are meant to be a happy woman, and no one has the right to take away your joy.
- There are individuals and groups that can support you if you are going through challenging moments in your marriage. Speak up and get the help you need. Don’t keep silent.
The Place of Loving Your Spouse with God’s Love
After the excitement and emotions of love seem to fade out, you need to keep loving your spouse. Now that you know your spouse a little more and have begun to see certain things that perhaps you did not know before, you will have to love your spouse both with his strengths and weaknesses alike. Love, we are told, is an action word and not just feelings. Long after the feelings are out, it is time to love your spouse in practical ways. Being there to support, listen, encourage, advice, and influence positively.
“A great marriage doesn’t happen because of the love you had in the beginning, but how well you continue building that love until the end” – Unknown.
There is the temptation to judge, criticize, get angry and resentful towards your husband for all the things he may not be doing as you would like. But then we are told that love is patient, love is kind, love is not resentful, it does not count wrongs. Love is not proud and boastful. Love always trusts, always protects, always preserves, and always hopes. The Holy Spirit give abundant gifts and the greatest of these is LOVE. We as wives can do better in keeping to this.
So, in moving forward:
- Begin to look at your spouse as someone whom God has called you to love, not with your own love, but with the love of God that is deep in your heart.
- You were created with the Spirit of God in you and so you have the capacity to love others with the love of God because love is the greatest gift which the Spirit gives.
- We can only give what we have. Love yourself enough and then you can love others with God’s love.
In conclusion, being a wife means that you are married to someone. And marriage is a vocational call to live with someone you love and become your best within the context of your marriage. For anyone entering a marriage relationship, do keep in mind that the union is meant to help you both bring out the best in each other, not otherwise. So, harness your space maximumly as a wife and become the best person you can be to your family, to society and to the world at large.
“Always strive to give your spouse the very best of yourself; not what’s left over after you have given your best to everyone.” (Unknown)
May these be the words of every wife and every husband:
“Every day that I spend with you are the most precious moments to cherish. I feel so blessed to have a wonderful spouse like you.” (Unknown)
You Can… Become a Better Partner to Your Spouse
So what YOU DO matters!
(The End)
DISCLAIMER
The OPINION / COLUMN is authored by independent contributors to the National Accord Newspaper. While contributors adhere to our editorial guidelines, they are not employed by the National Accord Newspaper. The perspectives and opinions expressed herein are solely those of the author and do not represent the views of the National Accord Newspaper or its staff.