Being a dad is a great privilege and blessing. As a grown male adult, it is only natural, at least in our cultural setting, for a man to desire to be a father to someone. In some way, it shows that you have attained a certain level where you can now assume responsibilities and become a parent to another human being. Since the process of procreation is not only brought about by you, you can do your part, support your partner and pray that both mother and child go through the birth journey and birth pangs successfully.
Societal Pressures
As a father, it is imperative that you safeguard your mental sanity despite cultural expectations. This means keeping tabs on how you respond or do not respond to the pressures placed on your gender. With a culture and society that is largely patriarchal, there is the pressure on men to be providers and the ones who ‘call the shot’ at home and in the family. Society has taught the male child that he has to be strong, be manly, be macho, be in charge and show that he is not a ‘Sissy’. This leaves him thinking that he is meant to conquer the world.
Much pressure is put on the man to provide for the home. Some give this their all and indeed provide, some do what they can and look the other way when they can’t, while yet others have given up on this and left it to someone else to bother about. This is where the beauty of support and complementarity of marriage and life partnership comes in. The demands of family must be carried together with the woman and not just at the man’s convenience.
I have never believed that the man is meant to carry the entire burden of his family because he is a man. If in marriage, both partners put in all they can to mutually support the family, the weight will not be on one person alone. Both parties need to see the needs of the family and do much more to provide for the family, invest and plan into the future. This cannot be left to the man or woman alone.
In the bid to meet up family and societal expectations, men resort to all kinds of unethical practices so as to bring those monies home or to the bank account. Let us look at what these pressures on men have generally resulted in.
Evidence of Male Pressure
Based on findings by the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime (UNODC) in a 2020 report on Gender and Corruption in Nigeria, we find some gender empirical data that has much to say, that: “Female public officials are consistently less likely than men public officials to solicit and take bribe; So, male public officials are 36% more likely than female public officials to make a direct bribe request”; “Men, more than women, are more likely to engage in fraudulent practices”; “Men are more likely than women to use nepotism to secure employment and promotion in the public sector”; and that “Men are more likely than women to be targeted for vote-buying”.
This does not in any way mean to say that women are better than men. What we are seeing here only testifies to the pressure that makes men want to show that they are up to the task of providing as a man.
Everything is about balance. The culture expects a man to provide, yet we see that this is also shifting as women get empowered and are earning higher and, in some cases, are becoming the breadwinners in the home. This is not for men to take a back sit and turn the other side while the woman labours. A man who does not feel the responsibility to provide for his family is not a responsible adult. On the other hand, he does not need to see himself as a super man who is supposed to have all the answers and do all the providing. He is to know his responsibilities and carry them through with commitment.
Exchew Pride and Ego
As a father and husband, you have your wife to support you. Responsibilities can be discussed and shared as it best suits the couple. What couples agree on in this regard can differ from family to family.
With our cultural understanding, the man is meant to be the head of the family. However, he also needs to know that he has a co-head. Having a co-head does not take away anything from him. It only goes to show the place of complementarity and close collaboration for the good of the family.
How You Can Live Right and Keep Sane as Dad
Feeling Secure: A man is better able to maintain his sanity when he feels right about himself, feels right about his place in the home, and allows his spouse the place of a close collaborator. He does not easily feel insecure and threatened that he is not in charge. Rather he feels secure in his own skin, and allows his partner to be herself.
Commit to your Marriage and family: Who says you are a hero and a lion when you are able to conquer other young ladies and married women out there? Your heroism is being the leader of your home, guiding and leading your wife and children towards a better future as a family and working to leave a morally high and great legacy behind for younger generations.
Avoid Extra Marital Affairs: You pull in negative impacts on your personal sanity when you give in to extra marital relationships out there. Men demanding for sex in exchange for marks, for promotion, for favours, for monetary gains, for employment and lots more only put psychological and spiritual strain in their personal lives. The gains and pleasures are short-lived and not worth it.
Leadership: If you know your onions, invest in building others and strive to be an example to others around you, you will not need to exert your position, authority and power forcefully over anyone. When you want to make your authority felt both in the home and at work, you only strain yourself and end up with possibly a high blood pressure. Taking the time to groom yourself in leadership through reading good leadership books and listening to great leaders will help men a great deal in their choice of leadership style and personal attitude in relating with others.
Take Out Time to Rest: Your body needs ample time to rest. After a day’s work, it is worthy of you to spend ample time with your family – wife and kids. This can be a form of rest. Some are in the habit of spending the best moments of every evening with friends and only come home to eat and sleep. Other times, office work continues on the phone even after office hours. The body needs rest and so does the mind.
Just as the body needs rest, so does your mind and those delicate organs that are part of the stomach. A daily habit of drinking beers and hot drinks leave the already delicate organs begging for some rest. The idea of fasting or drinking water instead is not out of place if one wants to be in the best of health.
Daily meditation: A daily habit of sitting quiet with one’s self for a while is highly beneficial. The content of your meditation depends on what you desire from that lone time. You could meditate on some sacred words, on some goal you want to achieve, or on a specific situation. You relax and emerge with some ideas.
Play with your kids: This is always a privileged moment for kids but many dads don’t know it or don’t remember. When I play with my kids I tell them that I do not remember playing with my mother as a kid because she was not always well. So, dad should create time to play with their kids while yet they may.
Together we can… Support Dad to Keep Sane!