The word “Sexual” can be described in two ways: first, as it refers to the gender of being male or female, e.g. sexual orientation or sexual distinctions. Secondly, as it relates to closeness and activities connected with physical attraction or intimate physical contact between individuals. It has to do with words such as erotic, carnal, or sensual.
For our topic, we are interested in the second meaning. Hence, sexual intimacy has to do with being involved in a sexual relationship – having or involving sex.
Our culture socializes us to shy away from these matters and then we go into marriage with naïve ideas that make us suffer or remain unhappy in a marriage relationship. Let us dive in with the intent to learn and make our marriage relationships sexually alive and fulfilling.
Types of Intimacy
There are four types of intimacy and they are: Emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical/sexual intimacy.
1)Emotional Intimacy: You have emotional intimacy with another when you can truly share your honest thoughts and feelings and still feel accepted by the other. We all want to be heard, seen, loved, and understood. Emotional intimacy with another helps you experience this complete acceptance by the other. When you feel safe sharing your feelings with each other, then you are emotionally connected. You can be a married couple and not have such connection because it was lost at some point or it never even existed. Some marriages are based on fear. For instance, the woman may fear the man so much such that she lives her marriage life like a subdued child that is deprived of liberty.
2) Mental/Intellectual Intimacy: This is when you and your partner can think freely and do not feel the pressure to agree with the other just to please him or her. In this way, both individuals can have conversations that highlight their different ways of thinking and yet enrich each other. A situation where couples must agree with each other is but a form of mental slavery.
3) Spiritual Intimacy: This is when a couple share a sense of the sacred together. Religious practices done together could be an example of this; other examples can be, admiring nature together, praying or worshiping together, reading from a holy book, and sharing thoughts.
As a married couple, it is important to have some sense of the sacred or awe experiences together that is beyond yourselves. When Jesus says, “Where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name, I am in their midst”, this is the sacredness that needs to be in every marriage. When a married couple is one at heart, great things happen because God is fully with them. Therefore, in your marriage you must discipline yourself and avoid extra-marital relationships. If you decide that you are no longer happy with the marriage relationship, then you are also ready to face the issues that arise from the choices you make.
4) Physical/Sexual Intimacy: It is only natural to long for physical and sexual intimacy. A relationship may be physically intimate without sexual intimacy. However, in marriage, if emotional intimacy is lacking, then it is also likely that physical intimacy will be missing too.
Fear of Intimacy
Some persons fear intimacy and this may be for diverse reasons. A person may not want to be hurt or disappointed by another either due to some negative experience or lack of an experience of true love. One way to get over this fear of intimacy is to begin loving yourself. You really cannot give what you do not have, so learn to be intimate with yourself so that you can share that with someone else.
Ways to keep Sexual Intimacy Alive in Marriage
Experience has taught us that those exciting emotions and feelings of attraction you once had, do wear off easily after a while. So, to keep up the sexual intimacy in your marriage relationship, it requires that you be very intentional about it. It cannot be left to chance.
Be aware that nature abhors vacuum. So, if in your marriage, you have left a certain vacuum around your spouse, in one aspect or the other, then you are asking that it be filled by something or someone you are not aware of.
Romance and sex need to be kept alive. Your sexual desire for your spouse is not meant to go on vacation. Rekindle it.
Excite and reawaken that sexy-ness in yourself and show him you still have it. Then see what happens. You might be surprised at what you discover. Whatever it is, just don’t leave that vacuum.
Pay more attention to each other, caring more, loving in practical ways and creating time to be with each other. Find reasons to be with each other. Take a walk together.
Eat together. My husband and I have the habit of sharing one meat or one fish. Even when there are two pieces of meat or fish, we tend to eat one together first and then the others too. This is just a silly example of creating some sync between yourselves.
For the lady, just because you are now married does not make you an old cargo in the house. Dress well, look sweet, look hot, feel good about yourself and tickle the man’s sexual fantasies. Don’t let him get all that outside. For the man, keep alive that attraction you had for her and see her as your LIFETIME GIRLFRIEND.
Make more time in your schedules for quality and intimate time.
Experiment in the bedroom together. Focus on non-intercourse activities, like kissing and touching.
Resolving past trauma. Address other sources of stress in the relationship.
Learning how to communicate in healthier ways.
In Conclusion
Spice up that marriage. Date each other again. Let sex be alive in the relationship. Hang out together at mutually loved spots. Build your relationship on common values. Pray together. Read the living Word of God together. Spend quality time together, just the two of you. Be fully in each other’s lives.